Rites of Passage: Through the Dark Night of the Soul
Message from Jeff, April 2025 (Part 2)
. . .continued from the previous article Ritual Contemplation: Listening to Kekal
This is the 2nd part of the article, where I’m taking you in listening to some of Kekal’s songs across the entire 13 albums while you can read the stories behind them from my own perspective. Due to the length, I divided it into two parts. The first part has already been posted online since early April, and it covers the “first era” of Kekal with songs from the 1998 debut album to the 7th album “Audible Minority” in 2008. If you haven’t read the first part yet, please click the article thumbnail below. 👇
Anyone familiar with Kekal would recognize that the band has always maintained its independence and strict do-it-yourself (D.I.Y.) ethic since the very beginning, by self-producing everything from music to artwork, photography, video, and other promotional material. Also, Kekal has never given ownership of recording masters to any record label, but instead offers limited-time licensing of the album’s finished products to various record labels to be released on physical formats in multiple territories around the world, sometimes 3 or 4 different labels for one album. So far, Kekal has partnered with around 20 independent labels, counting from the 1998 debut to its 13th album in 2022. The Wikipedia article on Kekal only lists 14 of them, but that was enough to give a wrong impression to some album reviewers that Kekal seems to be a problematic band that is unable to maintain healthy relationships with labels. Yes, to some degree Kekal can be “problematic” if anyone in the industry still has a mindset about music being used mainly as a money generating tool, because we never have that kind of mindset in the first place. We rebel against that mindset.
Rejecting offers to be signed to any record label (band contract) in the beginning phase of the band was a tough decision to make. During recording the 2nd album “Embrace The Dead” in 1999, the band was in financial constraints and we had no fixed recording budget, leading to chaotic recording sessions. We had a couple small label offers for band signing after releasing our debut “Beyond The Glimpse of Dreams”. At one point, I struggled with this thought: Did we make the right decision by remaining independent? Should we just get signed and have the record label to reimburse the recording costs and let them own the album master? Would that actually help Kekal to keep making music freely in the longer run?
Many bands, even those who got signed with bigger and better-known record labels with worldwide distribution channels and sizeable promotional budgets, did not make it to break-even from tour-related costs, and fell into debts, dropped by the labels while at the same time their recording masters being owned by the labels. Many bands end up making “safe albums” that can guarantee in keeping enough number of fans who would buy the albums and support them financially. But to me, that’s a compromise already, even if the aim was just to survive and continue its career (not to sell-out and be famous).
Right now, I still believe that our decision for Kekal in choosing the “path less-traveled” by remaining stubbornly independent, and combined with the D.I.Y. solution for maintaining purer artistic expressions and at the same time keeping the costs as low as possible, is the most fitting one. Personally, I have no regrets choosing this path. Our consideration was first based on “artistic freedom”, something to do with what I see as an anarchist mentality; although a bit cliché for a new band trying to learn more about the music industry.
The “Zero-member” era of Kekal
After 14 years of being in Kekal, in 2009, Levi, Leo and I agreed to no longer become official members of Kekal by officially “leaving the band as members”. Three of us can still continue working for Kekal anytime we want as no-strings-attached free-associated contributors without any pressure, and not limited to music. We knew that the band’s independent stance (without having to be bound legally by any contractual affiliation with record labels), was meant to be the most ultimate solution to the geographical problem we faced after I moved to a different country. Leo has his own home-recording workstation and he could continue contributing music, but Levi did not. He chose not to contribute musically, and instead do artwork illustration and photography works. Some of Levi’s artwork and photography actually inspire Kekal’s songs. We don’t really need to write music in order to help the songwriting process.
In that same year, 2009, I managed to set-up a modest laptop-based digital recording workstation in my (then) new place in Canada. It wasn’t even a home-studio, but just a normal working desk setup, more basic than what I had back in Jakarta. From that day forward, all the recordings I do would only be for Kekal. Even though officially I had already become a non-member, I’d dedicate myself to do music just for Kekal and nothing else.
Working only for Kekal also means all my personal self-expressions in music will also be published under Kekal.
Tabula Rasa (2010)
The word “Tabula Rasa” means “blank slate” in Latin. The term was popularized by philosopher John Locke to explain his concept that “at birth the human mind is a blank slate without any innate ideas or rules for processing data”. I personally do not agree to what’s known as empiricism; a philosophy that was founded from that concept. What I meant with “blank slate” in this song was simply a fresh new start, a whole new chapter both for Kekal (being a member-less band) and myself. Lyrically, it refers to my own experience after I moved to Canada, having to start over again from the square one.
About 2 years after I temporarily “gave up” playing guitar after finishing “Audible Minority” material in 2007, I still could not touch my guitar. It remained in its case. My heart was aching even from seeing it. I only brought one guitar to Canada from Indonesia: my first electric guitar which was purchased in 1992 when I decided to become a guitarist in a band (I previously played drums). That guitar carries a sentimental memory of my teenager self aspiring to become a professional rock musician. During the time I was mentally unable to play guitar, I already felt the urge to continue doing music, the urge that I can no longer suppress. I experienced my own “existential crisis” which can only be “solved” through making music.
Then I decided to buy a portable digital audio recorder and did some “field recordings” to collect samples of “found sound” during my long everyday commute to work by public transport. This is where the album “8” began to form, naturally. The process of how the songs were constructed for “8” was quite unusual and not straight-forward. It was mostly based on treated/manipulated sampled sounds and “power-electronics” noises mixed with software-based synthesizers that I arranged into songs on the computer. I did not really care about the music scene at that time, at all.
Around the same time, Leo, former Kekal guitarist who became a contributor, sent me a demo of his own songs; a guitar-based light pop music with a bit of funk and jazzy twists. I sampled his isolated guitar tracks from that demo, made them into loops and arranged them into completely different songs, way more darker, heavier and angrier (I thought he might hate them). I was pleased to see that Leo was maturing as a musician. He was no longer the “thrash metal kid” I recognized when first jamming with him in 1996. He no longer wanted to play fast for the sake of playing fast. His choices of melody and approach in guitar playing had already become freer, not bound to any conventions to certain music techniques and rigid styles. To some degree, Leo’s guitar playing in his demo songs made a significant impact in encouraging me to try playing guitar once again, how painful it would be. “Tabula Rasa” was the first song with myself playing guitar again after more than 2 years absence. All the riffs were chopped into loops and were rearranged for the song, and I wrote that song based on the bass synthesizer, not guitar. All songs on the “8” album were not written from guitar as the basis.
Disposable Man (2012)
In 2011, my mental and emotional state had improved to a degree that I could comfortably write music based on guitars again. I still had yet to match the speed and dexterity in playing electric guitar to what I used to (having abandoned it for a few years). So, with the “Autonomy” album I decided not to pursue that first but instead tried a different way, which is something more simple and easier to play for the guitar parts, and a much more “relaxed” music overall.
One of the first songs written for “Autonomy” was “Disposable Man”. The lyric talks about how Facebook profile (the most-used social-networking platform at that time) has become a substantive “entity”; an artificial self or alter-ego of the human person hiding behind it. That fake, artificial self becomes stronger because it’s being rewarded by “likes” from peers (even the likes are also fake), making the “unloved” true organic self to be buried deeper and deeper as time goes by. At one point this artificial self will override the diminishing one’s true self, where we as a species will no longer recognize our soul. My concern was that we’re moving steadily towards technological singularity, where mankind becomes slave to the technology and the fake/artificial self it develops, disposing of our “inconvenient” true self. It eerily prophesied all the current AI and transhumanism we’re dealing with right now, with the developments of AI infrastructure using all the big-data harvested from social-media users’ posts. This song digs into a very dark topic, enough to give me shivers every time I listen to it.
Musically, this song showcases Leo’s guitar solo parts at the end, which is actually my personal favorite solo from that album. The tone is also perfect for the atmosphere. Those wailing solos really represent the inner screams of the human soul, crying in despair, having to see itself fading out as the artificial self takes over. Right now, many souls are experiencing exactly that, oblivious to the fact that they are being lured to the slaughterhouse.
By Means Of Survival (2015)
The work for the “Multilateral” album began in September 2012, a few months before the prior album “Autonomy” was released to the public. The plan was to take everything easy and to let the music unfold itself naturally, without having to put any deadline. During that period of time, I had much interest in digging electronic music, not the mainstream EDM side of it and also not the underground analog power-electronics and harsh-noise that I used to dig back in late 1990s, but more towards the experimental, ambient, glitch and breakbeat derivatives like Autechre’s “Gants Graf”, which is among my ultimate favorite tunes up to this date.
Many songs in “Multilateral” consist of existential questions. In “By Means of Survival”, the glitched rhythmical body is meant to represent all the confusion in my mind that appears as I tried to review my passage of life, hoping to discover “the meaning in meaninglessness”. I cannot accept the ideas that life is merely just for survival, or to “win” this cruel rat-race competition, or to please/praise God or any deity whatsoever. Those ideas are rooted in fear and ignorance. Kekal’s music is often said to be erratic, jumping abruptly from one section to another. That actually mimics my own personal experiences in life, “pointlessly” exploring new paths without discovering anything. I became somewhat tired of it, because I realized I might have already gone too far in my journey and in dire need to find the ultimate purpose of existence. I hear people say “enjoy every moment” or “live life the fullest”. It’s easy to say that. I had tried, but this world is so nasty and cruel that I would be lying to claim that I enjoy every moment of my journey. Getting old being sad and bitter while desperately searching for meaning from the many years spent in meaninglessness, is very terrifying to think about.
For anyone struggling with depression, life is perceived as bleak, dark and foggy. Our DNA-regulated ego-self can only project up until “the last stop” which is our physical body’s expiration date, or what we call by the term death. Suicide thoughts appear only from that type of projection, from the ego-self’s perspective. But there is another world beyond that last stop, and I’ve always longed for that other world. That world is actually being shaped or built by ourselves in the present moment, whether we want it to be utopian or dystopian. Through what we experience in the present, from all the choices we make, we are paving our way forward, not only until “the last stop” but beyond that. I was reminded to persevere while planting the “good seeds” (good karma) along the way. My commitment for attaining the utopian other world should be stronger than my disgust for this cruel, current world. Even though I’ve made mistakes, I could just choose again and try not to repeat the same mistakes.
This self-reflection seeking for life’s purpose eventually led to another phase in my existential journey, which is spiritual awakening. People sometimes call spiritual awakening as “the other side of depression”, like if you are able to persevere and continue living gracefully as you pass through the bleakness (enduring all the pain without becoming the pain), you could eventually arrive in a different landscape where life is being understood differently. I believe Kekal’s music has helped me to guide my way into finding realizations while going through the darkest times, only because it is a great tool for personal self-reflection or introspection. The first awakening phase is known by the term “the dark night of the soul”, a painful process, like going into a dark and deep underground tunnel. But, unlike typical depression, this “dark night of the soul” actually has all the element of surrender, while the ego-self no longer active in making choices based on defenses or denials (fight or flight), but instead surrendering itself to the Spirit, the divine spark within the soul. Spiritual awakening begins when the Spirit-infused soul-self (which is the “I” or the true self) takes over the person’s “driver’s seat”.
The Many Faces Of Your Face (2018)
The most disturbing realization that I’ve received upon awakening phase is that everything in this physical reality is not real, an illusion. Being disturbed is actually the first step of gnosis; spiritual insights given or revealed to those who are ready in taking a deep spiritual journey. Many of the most suppressed spiritual sayings from Yeshua/Jesus are written in the Gospel of Thomas (banned from the curated canon/compilation of scriptures known today as The Bible of the Christian religion). Two of those sayings are (English-translated):
“The seeker should not stop until he finds. When he does find he will be disturbed. After having been disturbed, he will be astonished. Then he will reign over everything.”
“Recognize what is in your sight, and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. For there is nothing hidden which will not become manifest.”
There is a famous phrase from William Sheakspeare that says: “all the world’s a stage”, quoted from his pastoral comedy “As You Like It”. This phrase actually points to our world in literal sense. Most of the world’s events that become our history, such as wars, conflicts, even revolutions, etc. are staged or pre-planned, even though they are actually involved in killing so many people, thousands, millions. These staged events are created in order to maintain the global domination or hegemony of the world rulers upon the people on Earth. Most governments are puppets of these actual rulers that act from behind the scenes, from the shadows. Many of the nations’ political parties, especially the biggest ones, are controlled by the same puppet masters who also control much of the world’s corporations and mass media. These political parties only exist to give an “illusion of choice” and “illusion of freedom” to fool the unassuming public. The so-called “shadow government” (or colloquially known as “Deep State”) exists, and they have been here since many thousands of years ago, since the first fall of humanity where we became subject to the false-matrix. They pull the strings or threads behind the fabric of our reality, basically to keep humanity enslaved within their system.
Most of the lyrics written for the 2018 album “Deeper Underground” reflect the phase of myself “being disturbed” by this new, revealed knowledge regarding the realities of the world. I experienced some form of cognitive dissonance where I had to let go of many of my old beliefs in order to embrace the new information that I felt is much closer to the truth, or else I’d continue clinging to the old programs and reject the new information because there is no way to keep both. It is part of the awakening journey, and I knew I had to walk through all the inconveniences of my previously-held beliefs and convictions collapsing in front of me. The new path is not an easy one to take. Many people actually choose to remain in their “old-self” (keeping the old belief-system/programming) just because it’s very painful to let it collapse, and fear of the unknown is the kind of fear that we have been programmed to. But no human can be in a state of cognitive dissonance forever, so we have to choose either or.
As new information appears, how can we discern if one’s version of “reality” is closer to the truth or not? The only “proof” is intuition or the gut feeling. Information carries energy (which vibrates in certain frequency range), and our soul consciousness actually can attune into that frequency and remember (if only we dare to go within), because there is resonance. Lots of things going on in this world are just based on lies and deceits, but most of the time they claim them as true, or whatever. Many people subscribe to these lies and go along with their lives ignorantly and blissfully.
Waking up is never easy after spending many years sleepwalking through the illusions of this physical reality. I have to let go of many things from my past that continue to burden me if I still choose to carry them along. To this point, I’m still struggling in letting go certain patterns of my “old-self”, my inner-demons and all the programs embedded in my DNA where I originally thought are part of my true self. In the human collective, right now we are also experiencing our cognitive dissonance, and are currently choosing to embrace truth that has revealed itself more and more, or else to continue living the lie as part of the old programming. One example is about accepting the real truth and its worldwide agenda behind the 2020 event. Many people still cling to the “official narratives” despite those narratives now falling apart. They are still too afraid to face the new truth that comes out, because it also requires taking the collective “dark night of the soul”, a painful process of letting go of the old programming within the collective self.
Quiet Eye (2020)
I will not explain much again right now about the songs from Kekal’s two latest albums “Quantum Resolution” (2020) and “Envisaged” (2022), because I’ve already published in-depth behind the lyrics PDF documents: Ask. Seek. Knock. (2020) and Recalibrating Destiny (2022). However, before ending this article, I just want to put an emphasis that those two albums serve as the witness to my ongoing personal transformation. I have finally able to face my past with its darkness, and no longer afraid to look right in the eyes of my inner-demons (and telling them “you are just my shadows, nothing more, nothing less.”), allowing me to see myself as I am without running away from it nor hating it: an important step to correct my path and recalibrate my destination point.
Destiny Recalibration (2022)
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